Oh Mother’s Day, sweet old Mother’s Day. A day for thanking your mom for all those meals she cooked (fish sticks still frozen in the center?), all those toys she bought you (a mini broom to “play sweep”?) , and all those funky DNA strands that brought about your double chin and nearsightedness (ADHD anyone?). Considering what my own mother has passed onto yours truly through genetic makeup, I should have sued her years ago for having me. But, no. Today, I’ll thank her for passing on her mystical ability to see future events. So today, I dedicate my newest installment of MY (not her) predictions for the year 3000. For past editions of my predictions, enter “Predictions for the Year 3000” in search box at top right.

1) Evolution will mutate the Kardashians down to an annoying form of foot fungus.

2) Cancer cells will be used to fuel spaceships.

3) The Rolling Clones will be taking their tour to a planet near you.

4) Laser bathing spas will overpopulate the planet Venus.

5) The United States swears in its 91st robot as president, but stays lukewarm to the idea of electing a female.

6) The Pacific Ocean will be sold by the gallon to make room for more real estate.

7) New York City gets revamped as New Warped City, still overcharging for castles built in the air.

8) The planet Oprah will eclipse the sun for a day in honor of Black History Month.

9) Breathing will run off megabytes.

10) The 122nd Amendment to the United States of America’s Bill of Rights will be ratified ensuring the right to marry your cloned self.

11) Crematories will cease to exist with the sun being readily available (NOTE: valid permit required during regular business hours 24-7).

12) Gummy bears will still taste awesome.

13) Holographic Visas will be required to cross the ozone layer.

14) Mind farts will be used in combat to create time warping worm holes.

15) Yoda, the Jedi Master, writes and publishes “The Force for Dummies” becoming a bestselling book.